7th Grade: Cellphone Necessity?

When the pre-teen moved in last August, I wasn't sure I was ready to parent a junior high student.  Even though the adoption was finalized last month, I'm still not sure I'm ready to parent a junior high student.  And one that is about to be 13 at that.

One of the things that surprised me was that every single classmate of hers has a cellphone (or at least that is what it seems like).  Some of them even have iPhones.  Naturally, the pre-teen wanted one desperately.  I said no, but gave it a lot of thought.

I decided she wasn't ready for one because she isn't responsible.  She loses things.  She doesn't understand phone etiquette, and doesn't really use the phone that often.  Her phone conversations last less than 5 minutes in most cases and are about nothing - "what are you doing?" "Nothing, what are you doing?"  Nearly everywhere she goes, the adult in charge has a cellphone, whether that is me, her grandparents, or her teachers.  In short, there are no compelling reasons why she needed one (aside from convenience if she needed to call me or I needed to call her - is that worth $50+ per month?).

Since I decided against a cellphone, I've been watching how her classmates use their cellphones.  I've determined that cellphones are used by junior highers primarily to bully one another.

Since the preteen uses my phone, it is the number that her friends have.  I've received several texts with insults, name-calling and other inappropriate content.  I've written back the offending child, and when I've known the parents, sent them a note regarding how their child is using the phone.  I don't think my pre-teen would do any better; in fact, I suspect she would be sending nasty texts along with these other girls - yet another reason she doesn't need a phone!

My strong responses seem to have cut the number of bad texts dramatically.  I doubt if the pre-teen had her own phone that these messages would have stopped; instead, I suspect there would have been more bullying that went on.

Junior high students do not have compelling reasons to be talking to each other.  Homework assignments are about their biggest issue.   Frankly, there has only been 1 phone call this entire school year about homework at my house.  And that was done because I forced the pre-teen to call a friend and ask about the assignment - not because of her own initiative.  Junior Highers spend 8 hours per day together at school, plus time at any sports, church or other activities after school.

I'm convinced that cellphones for junior high students are NOT a good idea.  There is no parental supervision and no one is held accountable for the things said.  In contrast, with the old landline system, who could say something vile to someone you didn't like when your mother, father, brother and dog were less than 5 feet away and the person on the other end was sitting in a room with their family.  Moms tended to kabosh those conversations immediately.

But with every kid having their own personal cellphone, parents don't know what is going on.

And worse, some don't care.

For the foreseeable future, the pre-teen will not be getting a phone.  I know there are times when it would be convenient, but then I remember those nasty texts and realize until she has a car and a license, she doesn't really need the cellphone.

Is Summer Here Yet?!?

During the month of May, my schedule slowly gets stripped away.  First, our church's mid-week children's program went on hiatus for the summer.  As much as I love (and the girls love) Wednesday nights at church, it is great to be done for a while.

I also finished up choir (I'm missing the concert tomorrow because of dance recital).  School sponsored sports are over, and dance will be done tomorrow night. In early June, my seminary classes will wrap up and I will have a few weeks before the classes start again for the summer session.

So, now I have long evenings to look forward to - in which I can ride bikes, walk and do other exercises (the pool opens soon).   Maybe I can get a few books read, a few scrapbook pages done, reorganize a few disasters in the house, and do nothing for a few days.

I figure it will be about Wednesday when we all feel bored...

Watching TV?

I read an article about Chelsea Clinton this week.  In it, she said that her parents did not let her watch more than 30 minutes of TV each day.  By the time she was in high school, she negotiated 1 hour - and could watch ER.

It got me thinking about how much TV we watch.  It actually isn't as much as I thought.  Most nights, the TV is never on, even after the girls go to bed.  I have too much reading for school to do, and find myself distracted.  On the weekends we watch more TV, but often it is NICK or Disney channel programs.

The preteen would like to watch some reality tv programs.  Her current must-watch is Dance Moms because she thinks grown women bickering, yelling and insulting each other is funny.  I told her that given that she has a problem controlling her temper and saying things to people in the heat of the moment, I didn't think watching it was a wise idea.  There are times she has an unhealthy fascination with drama and will create it.  I don't think reality TV will help her get over this, and likely will give her false ideas of how real people actually relate to each other.  So, it is on the do-not-watch-list.

So, as we move to summer, where we have more free time, I know I will need to keep track of how much time we are spending in front of the TV.

Changing Names and Adoptive Parent Prerogatives

One debate I had at my house was whether names would be changed with the adoption.   The 12 year old thought she wanted to keep her last name.

To me, this made no sense.  She had her birth mother's maiden name, but birth mother no longer had that name as she had married.  Neither grandparent had the name, as they had remarried too. My position was that families had the same names, and ever practical, pointed out that it would save explanations to others as to why we all had different names.  In a few years when she was in college,  no one would know she had been adopted unless she wanted to tell them.  She was still reluctant. 

I finally asked if she had spoken about it to her friends.  Giving a sheepish look, she said yes.  And, I asked, did they make fun of it?  She nodded.  The core issue was that she thought the name sounded funny and was worried about it.

After a few discussions, she decided to change her name.  Then came the discussion with the 5 year old.  She had a definite plan.  She did not care about the last name, but had her own ideas on her middle name.  I still don't know where she came up with Rose (Disney princesses? Fairies?) but it was pretty.

I did not change either first name, in part because the names were nice names.  Nothing too flashy or weird. 

However, if we lived in England, it would be another story.  There, adoptive families are not allowed to change the child's first name because the birth parents and family have rights.  This leaves adoptive families in a tough spot - do you adopt a child with a name that glorifies a drink or does not fit with your other children?  The story is here.

According to the article, this scares off prospective parents.  I admit it put me off that the 12 year old may want to stick with her last name.  I don't know what I'd do if her first name were Daiquiri or Whiskey.  It seems almost cruel to stick a child with those names, especially when the parents have demonstrated their unfitness in so many other ways.

I understand that children form identities at an early age - and your name is certainly a big part of that.  Most of us imagined a day we would change our name or fantasized about changing it ourselves.  But actually doing it is another matter.

It seems to me that the adoptive parents should have some role in the decision.  Certainly the foster care workers can provide input to the decision if the adoptive parents are seeking change for the wrong reasons.  But to require that the name stay the same seems to stymie the process and saddle the child with a name they may prefer to have changed before their schoolmates make fun of them.

Adoption Day!

On Monday, the adoption was finalized, and I am now the proud mother of two girls!

As they have been with me since late August, in many ways it does not feel any different.  But there are still a few changes.  I don't have to worry about whether something or someone is going to come in and say the girls have to leave.  I don't have to worry about wrangling with the doctor or dentist over who decides about their care.  And I don't have to worry about who makes the decisions on life issues, because it's me!

I hope to get back to writing more regularly soon.  Of course, that would require life to slow down a bit, and I don't know if that is actually going to happen!