Katy Perry & Russell Brand: Another case for a Pre-Nup

This week comedian Russell Brand filed for divorce from pop star Katy Perry.  The two have been married for approximately 14 months. 

Although both were celebrities before the marriage, and had accumulated money, real estate and other items, there was no pre-nuptial agreement between them.  Add to this the fact that Brand is an admitted recovering drug and sex addict and Perry is a (Christian?) party girl and one wonders what these people were thinking by getting married without an agreement on how things would go when/if they split.

In a similar situation this week, Mel Gibson paid his ex-wife over around $425 million, as there was no pre-nup.  Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Michael Jordan and his ex-wife Juanita, Madonna and Guy Ritchie.  The list goes on and on of people who gamble big at love, marriage and finances and lose big.  At least these (rich) people have the guidance of attorneys, accountants, managers and executives to advise them to get a pre-nup, whereas the average person does not.

But, the reality is that most couples need to consider how the break-up would go.  People who need pre-nups are those who have assets (no matter how small), those who owe money (cars, student loans, mortgages etc), those who have children or plan to have children, and those who plan to acquire things (cars, houses, credit cards) during the marriage.  In short, everyone.

Planning for a break-up does not doom the relationship to failure.  If it is going to fail, it will fail on its own over money, sex, family, children, lack of attention, or any of a thousand other reasons.  All failing to plan does is prevent both parties from adequately preparing for the future.  Instead of waiting for a court to determine who gets what or how much one party will pay another, the couple knows how things will be divided (or have an approximation).

Pre-nups also force couples to consider the devastating consequences of divorce before the wedding.  It may be enough to encourage those hard conversations on children, work, religion, politics, family and money before the wedding, not after it.  Pre-nups require honesty in each person's financial situation as it exists prior to marriage.

Alas, it is too late for Perry & Brand, the Gibsons and McCartney.  They will have to fight it out in court over each and every dime.

Fortunately, this year also saw Kim Kardashian insist on a pre-nup, which came in very handy when her marriage collapsed after just 72 days.  At least she had some good financial advice.

Repacking the Christmas Tree

I spent a chunk of today taking down the Christmas tree, cleaning up the dead needles and repacking all the Christmas decor.  Fortunately, this year, I had help.  But, as usual, what used to fit into one box now does not, and some of the items that had boxes, now seem to be missing packaging.  The missing boxes will probably show up in time for Easter.

I am always amazed at how much Christmas stuff accumulates through the season.  Just when I think I have it all put away, another thing appears to be put away. This year, I have advent presents to add to the mix (we still have an ongoing argument about who gets what). 

Merry Christmas!

Today at the Christmas service, the pastor, after announcing the birth of a baby,  commented on how the congregation should consider the people who have become first time parents this year.  My oldest (foster) daughter remarked to me that he was talking about me!

I had not considered this, but it is true - I am a first time parent.  A parent of a 12 year old and a soon-to-be 5 year old.  Somehow skipping over the midnight changings, diapers and learning to walk and talk didn't make things that much easier.  I still have to think about what I want these children to learn and how I want to reflect a living faith.

It strikes me on Christmas that in the midst of gift-giving and the excitement of family, get-togethers, and good food, that while memorable, it is in the day to day living that true impact is made.  I can preach about loving Jesus, but if my daily life doesn't show a dependence on Him, it may all be for naught.  I can't honor Jesus' birthday in an effective manner if I don't walk the walk the rest of the year.

At times this all feels overwhelming, trying to raise wise, independent, healthy and mature kids who love Jesus.  But it can be done if I focus on the important, eternal things and not the things that will not matter.

Gift Giving Dilemmas

Christmas can be a tough holiday to navigate: we have expectations of ourselves, others and how the holiday should go. 

One part of the equation is gift giving.  While I love giving people things, I hate having to figure out how much and what to give people.  It seems like every year, I'm caught off guard by some acquaintance buying me a token gift.  I certainly appreciate the gesture and the time and effort put into buying me something.  But, I also find that I am then rushing around to reciprocate or feeling crummy for not having a gift for them with me. 

These gift giving dilemmas hit a new level this year with the pre-teen daughter.  She announced that she needed to buy gifts for 6 girls, then 10, then maybe 12.  And she had no idea how much to pay for each gift.  She wanted to buy each a candy bar, but wasn't sure what they were buying her. 

After several discussions about how I wasn't financing gifts for a dozen pre-teens (none of whom have an income), I informed her that if she thought that having a cost limit discussion was too embarrassing, she should wait until I forced her to return any gift she received that was more valuable than a candy bar.  She can't give a cheap gift and keep an expensive one.  This pushed her to discuss the matter with her friends, and then they all decided to draw names and set a monetary limit.  Crisis averted.

But that still leaves me with the surprise friend's gifts.  To solve this problem, I now buy small trinket gifts (decorative glassware items on deep discount) to give as gifts.  Some are even pre-wrapped with blank tags so I can give them on a moment's notice. 

Guess I need to follow my own advice and have these gift discussions before the holiday season.

Una Vocis

Last Saturday, Una Vocis sang our Christmas concert.  I am always amazed at how appreciative people are at our performances. 

For me, it is sometimes hard to hear how well we all sound together.  Part of this is that I am focusing on my notes or music or dynamics or pronunciation.  And, at times, I cannot hear each individual part.

Our most exciting news is that we now have a CD out.  Information is available on the Una Vocis website.

Unforgivable?

One of my clients showed up today wearing a black hat with one word stitched in small letters with gold threat into it.  Reading "Unforgivable," I wondered what would possess someone to wear a hat emblazoned with that word.

It struck me that many of us do walk around with "unforgivable" on our foreheads.  We think that whatever we have done to God, to our family, to our friends is "unforgivable."

But that is not what the Bible teaches.  Rather, if we repent or turn away from our sin, we can be forgiven by God.  Forgiveness from those we have harmed may be more difficult, but it is possible too.

Breaking the Wrecker

The toddler has a vandalism streak.  Anything found can be demolished in short order.  Today, it was a present we were preparing to send to another child.  After ripping out one of the book's sliding figures, there were tears, not because of the damage, but because of the punishment.

In the past, I have taken toys away (all of them at once for a week), refused to allow new clothes (after several crayon episodes), and taken away the item of damage (stickers, crayons etc). 

But this time, I was a bit meaner and more radical.  Let's hope it works.  This time, I took and broke a couple of toys ($2 worth at the dollar store).  Then I made the child write a note of apology to go with the damaged book.  And I took a present the child was to receive and gave sent it with the damaged book.  It was after seeing this present we would now not get that tears finally flowed.  Again, let's hope we've finally hit bottom on this. 

Even as I write this, I'm sure there will be a couple more rounds of damaged item before we finally get beyond this stage.  in the meantime, I may need a few new ideas to get the point across.  I think we finally made progress on saying mean things (another problem we have), so let's hope that this gets the attention it needs.

The Beauty of December

Although I don't like perpetuating the Santa myth, it does come in handy for discipline matters.  If I have a reluctant toddler who does not want to do something, I can threaten that Christmas presents may not arrive.

Today at swimming lessons, I talked to the mother sitting next to me.  She related that her kids were so helpful - doing laundry, cleaning rooms, making beds everyday without being asked and not fighting.  December apparently has that effect on kids.

Ironically, her kid walked up at the end of the lesson and did not want to go see Santa - the thought of meeting the guy keeping score created fear!

Toddler Radar: Presents Under the Tree

During the middle of the week, I spent my lunch hour wrapping a few presents, which I placed under the tree.

When the pre-teen walked in the house after school, the first comment was about the presents.  The toddler did not see them then as  stayed in the car while we grabbed a few things from the house to leave again.

After the basketball game, we got back late.  Toddler had been sleeping in the car and sleepwalked into the house.  Walking by the living room, the first comment out of the half-asleep child was that there were now presents under the tree!  Apparently toddler radar can focus on packages even though the rest of the system is shut down!