Marriage: Who Cares?

The gay marriage debate has been churning on for several years.  To me, people fall into three camps:  (1) Those for it, (2) Those opposed to it, and (3) Those who don't care.

I understand the first two groups positions, and I don't think I need to rehash them here.  What is striking is that the first two groups have decided marriage is an important right - one worth fighting over.  The third group concerns me.  These are folks who have written off marriage.

This attitude puzzles and perplexes me.  As a single woman, I understand that marriage is not something for everyone.  Some want to avoid commitment; some fear failure; some are hoarding wealth; others can't make an emotional commitment.  I imagine there are other reasons.

Marriage is an important right.  It is worth fighting over.  Setting aside religious reasons of Christians, Jews, Muslims, there are still many good reasons to value marriage.

Financial:  Marriage protects and enhances assets.  Two people can build up (or spend!) a fortune easier than one can.  There are various tax breaks available to married couples.  Social security is available to surviving spouses, not surviving live-ins.  I am always shocked at the women who commit financial suicide by failing to marry or by divorcing spouse for no reason other than their perception of "convenience."  If your long-term live-in dies in a car crash, you will not get social security benefits. If your husband dies, you do.  This could amount to a substantial amount of money over a lifetime.

In my experience, there is a financial disparity in the household finances as well.  Women tend to foot the bill at a greater rate than men do.  If children are brought into the mix, women have to take off time from work and their finances suffer further.  Some of these women do not return to the work force - again their social security and retirement suffers.  If the relationship ends, the woman is left without income if she hasn't returned to the job yet.  The greatest imbalance of financial problems occurs at the poverty level - women with children get the welfare benefits and the men in their lives mooch off of them to the detriment of the woman and children.

Families:  Children feel more secure in a committed family.  Roles are defined by the couple - the relationship is not something just fallen into like a sexual relationship can be.  Both have assented to the relationship.  I see many women who are putting up with boyfriends who won't make a commitment because they are afraid to be alone.  This imbalance of power affects the relationship (and is a reason why, I believe a lot of men don't want to get married).

I see children shuffled around like baggage when their parents cannot maintain a firm commitment to each other.  When it isn't convenient for the parent to have the child, the child is sent off to someone else's house.  Usually "convenience" is defined by the new significant other or the person's sex life.

Children are put in physical danger in their unmarried parents' homes.  Let's face it: the new boyfriend or girlfriend isn't likely to want to take care of someone else's kids (the ones who do admirably I commend).  Look at the murder rate of young children - it is often Mom's new boyfriend or Dad's new girlfriend.  And don't even get me started on the rate of sex abuse that happens at the hands of these transient significant others.

Health:  So you didn't get married because you didn't want Mrs X as a mother-in-law.  In fact, your beloved hasn't seen or talked to his mother in a couple years.  Then your 20 year live-in boyfriend was in a car accident and put into a vegetative coma.  Guess who decides if he lives or dies?  Yup, absent a written health care power or attorney, it is the next of kin.   This is one of the main reasons cited by gays wanting the right to marry.

Feelings:  Don't underestimate the benefit of being called someone's "wife" or "husband." Those little words carry a lot of power, demonstrate a lot of feelings, and carry legal authority.  The social standing is different than one who is merely a "significant other," "paramour," "lover," "boyfriend" or "guy-I-live-with."

My fear is that the next generation will not see the benefit of marriage and will not understand why anyone fought for it.  Regardless of your stance on gay marriage, as a society and individuals, we need to acknowledge that marriage matters.