Infertility & Singleness

Infertility has been a topic on the Christian radio station I have been listening to lately.  It seems Focus on the Family and a few other ministries have taken on the topic to provide counsel to couples experiencing this difficulty.  It is an area in which much compassion and understanding needs to be poured.

There does seem to be one angle that is missing in this discussion: that of singles.  As a single woman, when I was asked about infertility during a foster care class, I wondered why it was an issue.  But the more I thought about it, I realized it was an area I needed to re-consider.

Singles are already working through a counter-cultural lifestyle, which may have not been their choice.  Whether they have married and divorced, never married or been widowed, singles are wrestling with the lack of romantic relationship within a culture that strongly values coupling.

Within the Christian Church, the pressure to couple is even worse than that of the culture.  Singles classes are designed in part to pair people off into couples.  Church Adult education involves parenting classes, marriage classes and small groups full of couples.

To this external pressure add the internal pressure: singles desire romance.  We singles are willing to go to extremes to find love, as the online explosion of dating websites testifies.  One can go to lunch on a date set up by a matchmaker, "date" several people  in less than an hour in a speed dating event, or put an ad in the newspaper.  But for some, love is elusive, and that causes pain.  One friend confided to me that looking at anniversary announcements was particularly painful as she aged, because each birthday made it more impossible for her to ever be married that long.

There is another dynamic going on too - the failure to have children.  As each year goes by without a permanent relationship, singles also lose out on the opportunity to have children.  Sometimes the prospect of parenting arises through accidental pregnancy, but in general, many singles find themselves without partners and without children.

While Christian couples may feel both internal and external pressure to have children, singles feel mostly internal pressure, but there can be external pressure too from parents and others.  So while childless couples may be emotional at the thought of Mother's Day, many singles may feel the same way.

For me, my ideal was to get married and have children.  But as time ticked by and I am not married, I decided I could still have children.  After exploring several options, I decided adoption and foster care would be my best options.  In my mind, I did not want to find myself at age 50 without children.  Other singles have commented that the spousal relationship was their primary desire, not the children.

So while some couples and some singles are content with their childlessness.  Others are not.  The church needs to recognize both couples and singles may be struggling with infertility and should seek to help out both by providing comfort, care, and understanding.