Changing Names and Adoptive Parent Prerogatives

One debate I had at my house was whether names would be changed with the adoption.   The 12 year old thought she wanted to keep her last name.

To me, this made no sense.  She had her birth mother's maiden name, but birth mother no longer had that name as she had married.  Neither grandparent had the name, as they had remarried too. My position was that families had the same names, and ever practical, pointed out that it would save explanations to others as to why we all had different names.  In a few years when she was in college,  no one would know she had been adopted unless she wanted to tell them.  She was still reluctant. 

I finally asked if she had spoken about it to her friends.  Giving a sheepish look, she said yes.  And, I asked, did they make fun of it?  She nodded.  The core issue was that she thought the name sounded funny and was worried about it.

After a few discussions, she decided to change her name.  Then came the discussion with the 5 year old.  She had a definite plan.  She did not care about the last name, but had her own ideas on her middle name.  I still don't know where she came up with Rose (Disney princesses? Fairies?) but it was pretty.

I did not change either first name, in part because the names were nice names.  Nothing too flashy or weird. 

However, if we lived in England, it would be another story.  There, adoptive families are not allowed to change the child's first name because the birth parents and family have rights.  This leaves adoptive families in a tough spot - do you adopt a child with a name that glorifies a drink or does not fit with your other children?  The story is here.

According to the article, this scares off prospective parents.  I admit it put me off that the 12 year old may want to stick with her last name.  I don't know what I'd do if her first name were Daiquiri or Whiskey.  It seems almost cruel to stick a child with those names, especially when the parents have demonstrated their unfitness in so many other ways.

I understand that children form identities at an early age - and your name is certainly a big part of that.  Most of us imagined a day we would change our name or fantasized about changing it ourselves.  But actually doing it is another matter.

It seems to me that the adoptive parents should have some role in the decision.  Certainly the foster care workers can provide input to the decision if the adoptive parents are seeking change for the wrong reasons.  But to require that the name stay the same seems to stymie the process and saddle the child with a name they may prefer to have changed before their schoolmates make fun of them.

Adoption Day!

On Monday, the adoption was finalized, and I am now the proud mother of two girls!

As they have been with me since late August, in many ways it does not feel any different.  But there are still a few changes.  I don't have to worry about whether something or someone is going to come in and say the girls have to leave.  I don't have to worry about wrangling with the doctor or dentist over who decides about their care.  And I don't have to worry about who makes the decisions on life issues, because it's me!

I hope to get back to writing more regularly soon.  Of course, that would require life to slow down a bit, and I don't know if that is actually going to happen!

Respite, Adoptions and Other harrowing events

I hadn't realized it had been over two weeks since I last blogged.  I do try to put something up every few days, but life got to me in January.

Between the pre-teen's sports schedule, a new quarter at seminary and dance lessons for the preschooler, the schedule has exploded in many not so good ways.  I believe, no I know, that next year we will not be doing both basketball and AAU volleyball at the same time - it is just too much.  While the experiences have been good, the added stress and running around has not been good.

Meanwhile, I have been doing respite this past week for someone.  It added another girl to the mix, and although she has some issues, things have been pretty smooth.  The girls all know each other, so that definitely helped.

Our adoption filing is quickly approaching and that always brings feelings to the forefront.  I am hoping that we can get this done as quickly and as painlessly as possible.  We have had some bumps in the road, but nothing too major and I have appreciated the help of the workers.  So far, they have given great advice and been very supportive.

Una Vocis CD

Last night at my Una Vocis rehearsal, we celebrated the release of our CD. While I don't sing on all of the tracks, I do sing on some of them, and it is exciting to think that a group I sing with has a CD (soon to be on iTunes).

Hopefully, this is the first of many fun opportunities with this group.  I love singing with them and they are all wonderful people.  At times I wonder if all the time is worth it, but I know that it helps keep me sane.

The Trials of Parenthood: Feeding People

Generally, I like to cook.  I like to bake and I like to find new recipes.  However, since acquiring two kids, I find that this can be a very difficult process.

First, I have the food issues to deal with: the dislikes, the allergies and the lack of adventure to try new things. 

Next, I have to lack of time to prepare.  Many nights we have about an hour to cook and eat something before heading off to the next event.  I asked for a crockpot for Christmas and am finding it is a great thing - if I plan ahead.

Finally, I have the problem that the kids like the same things over and over again (one eats chicken nuggets as her only choice at any restaurant we go to), while I like a variety of things.  I'm fine with just fruit one meal and just veggies at another.  Tacos then spaghetti.  Cereal and grilled cheese.  But the girls like a steady diet of spaghetti, peanut butter and chicken nuggets.

At least I have found a great crockpot lasagna recipe that everyone likes and is willing to eat every couple weeks.  As long as I don't use anything too spicy!

Photos from Fall 2011

September, 2011.  This is the photo from my half marathon.  My cousin, Sandra is on my right.  Although I finished at 3:59, she finished around 2 to 2.5 hours.

We never did decide what the numbers were about, as I registered before she did, but she was a runner, and I designated as a walker.

September, 2011.  While in Vancouver, we saw this sign.  The funny part was that no one was obeying it as bikes zipped past on their way onto the island.

Summer, 2011.  Indy & Haty called a brief truce to sit on the couch together.  It is surprising that they both were relaxed enough to do this, as usually, Haty is trying to play with Indy by assaulting him.  Indy then screams like a baby and runs to hide.  Indy likes to hide on top of the bunk beds, because Haty is too scared to jump up there.

Labor Day, 2011.  We spent the weekend at the River with Sandra, Maddy, Grayson, Georgi, Greg, Michelle, Lance, Clay,  Aunt Robert & Billy. It was fun, but the weather was a bit cool.  Here we are using blankets on the boat because it was so cold!

September, 2011.  While in Bellingham, we walked on the pier.  Ironically, the half marathon track followed the pier, and the beginning of mile 11 was at the very end, as you exited it (not shown- it was uphill from here!).

October, 2011.  We rode the Boone & Scenic Valley Railroad.  It was a great weekend with beautiful leaves, warm weather and great views. 

An Iowan's Guide to the Iowa Caucuses

Tuesday will be the Iowa Caucuses.  The media horde has already descended upon our fair state, and it is difficult to avoid running into a candidate for the presidency.  The process draws the world's attention to my state, and I thought a few pointers may be in order.

What is a caucus?  The process differs between the parties.  This year, as President Obama will run as an incumbant, there will be very small Democratic party caucuses.  The real show will be on the Republican side.  Caucuses take place in schools, churches, garages, among other places.  Typically, the process lasts about an hour or two.  At the end, the caucus (usually by majority vote), determines who their precinct will support for President.  In the Republican process, this can be pro rated between the various candidates.  Nominees are also selected to attend the state convention and sometimes planks in the party's platform are debated.

Iowans like to "fool" pollsters:  Some think it is impolite to be asked which candidate they are supporting. Voting is, after all, a private affair.  So they will tell pollsters every candidate but the one they are actually supporting when asked.  Believe me, after the 22nd call in a week asking about issues and candidates, even the most honest person would grow weary and mischievous.  It also serves to help perpetuate the "Iowa Surprise" myth. 

Iowans Yearn for the Political Ads to Stop:  Many people exclaim that they can't wait for the seed corn and pesticide commercials to start again.  The constant barrage of negative ads and issue related commercials take their toll.  In non-election years, these ads are routinely distained and ridiculed.  In election years, we view them with nostalgia and warm feelings.  Who doesn't want to see little cutworms smashed to smithereens in 3D?

It's a bit Overwhelming:  Having to pick the perfect candidate out can be daunting.  Each one has strengths and weaknesses that must be weighed. While Iowa does not get the last word, it gets the first one, and that can lead to candidates dropping out.  That adds a lot of pressure to the process.  Iowans know that and try to honestly work through the process.

So, while I haven't decided what to do on Tuesday, I'm sure that by Tuesday evening the media will have declared a winner and moved on.