Changing Names and Adoptive Parent Prerogatives

One debate I had at my house was whether names would be changed with the adoption.   The 12 year old thought she wanted to keep her last name.

To me, this made no sense.  She had her birth mother's maiden name, but birth mother no longer had that name as she had married.  Neither grandparent had the name, as they had remarried too. My position was that families had the same names, and ever practical, pointed out that it would save explanations to others as to why we all had different names.  In a few years when she was in college,  no one would know she had been adopted unless she wanted to tell them.  She was still reluctant. 

I finally asked if she had spoken about it to her friends.  Giving a sheepish look, she said yes.  And, I asked, did they make fun of it?  She nodded.  The core issue was that she thought the name sounded funny and was worried about it.

After a few discussions, she decided to change her name.  Then came the discussion with the 5 year old.  She had a definite plan.  She did not care about the last name, but had her own ideas on her middle name.  I still don't know where she came up with Rose (Disney princesses? Fairies?) but it was pretty.

I did not change either first name, in part because the names were nice names.  Nothing too flashy or weird. 

However, if we lived in England, it would be another story.  There, adoptive families are not allowed to change the child's first name because the birth parents and family have rights.  This leaves adoptive families in a tough spot - do you adopt a child with a name that glorifies a drink or does not fit with your other children?  The story is here.

According to the article, this scares off prospective parents.  I admit it put me off that the 12 year old may want to stick with her last name.  I don't know what I'd do if her first name were Daiquiri or Whiskey.  It seems almost cruel to stick a child with those names, especially when the parents have demonstrated their unfitness in so many other ways.

I understand that children form identities at an early age - and your name is certainly a big part of that.  Most of us imagined a day we would change our name or fantasized about changing it ourselves.  But actually doing it is another matter.

It seems to me that the adoptive parents should have some role in the decision.  Certainly the foster care workers can provide input to the decision if the adoptive parents are seeking change for the wrong reasons.  But to require that the name stay the same seems to stymie the process and saddle the child with a name they may prefer to have changed before their schoolmates make fun of them.