Single Life, Dating & How do these people get my email address?

I just cleared out the spam email in my account.  I think at least 2/3 of the messages dealt with single / dating websites.

Now, I have in the past tried eharmony and a couple other sites, but nothing ever developed.  And I'm fairly certain it has been at least 3-4 years since I have logged onto one.  It seems my absence has drawn lots of looks by other singles, as every ad promised that someone had been searching for me.  This makes me laugh, since most of the websites are ones I have never logged into - so how did they find my picture or my name?

The most interesting one was the F@#$book, who sent several persistent messages.  I didn't open it to see what services were offered - although the title seemed to suggest what was the currency anyway.

One message heralded Facebook's new dating website, but I didn't bother to open it either.  I think Facebook already knows too much about me to add my dating life to it via their dating service.

I'd admit that I'm a bit interested in dating. But I also recognize that right now it is not the time with school, work, and parenting.  Maybe in the fall, I'll have more time (although that list is getting a bit long too).

New Year, New Goals

I don't like making New Year's Resolutions.  They seemed doomed to failure, at least for me.  I prefer to set out a few things I'd like to accomplish and learn during each new year.

Since I have been in seminary, I haven't set too many "learn new things" goals.  However, with graduation looming on the horizon, I have been thinking about what I should do.  I really would like to brush up on my piano playing and guitar playing.  Maybe it is time to pick up another instrument too.

I also need to continue working on my Greek and Hebrew.  And there are numerous books that I want to read.

This year, I'd like to add more exercise to my routine.  I'm not doing too well with this right now, but I'm hopeful that I can get into the swing of it soon.

It's Been a Long time...

I have not posted a blog for a while.  In part, because I have been busy.  There have been a few changes around here.

First, I have a new job, which I really enjoy.  It has been a learning curve, but I think that things are coming together well.

The girls are done with their first semester of school.  Little One is in Kindergarten and LOVES to read.  I can't believe how quickly she picks things up.  Teen is in 8th grade.  She tolerates it because it means she gets to see her friends.

Little One just started piano lessons this week.  She wants to practice 2 times a day - how long can I get this to last?

Teen has had several months of clarinet lessons and is doing well, despite her reluctance to follow through.  She'd quit in a minute, but we're trying to develop perseverance here.

On the agenda for the next year is to wrap up seminary - graduation is on June 1st.  And I'm trying to work on my eating habits and exercise.  I think I'm going to sign up for another half marathon, probably one of the disney ones.  Hopefully that will motivate me (although it did not last time)!

Commenting on Items

I have been hit with a big spam wave in the past couple weeks, so I have changed the comment settings to require registration.  Hopefully this stops the 100+ anonymous postings offering cheap prescription drugs!

7th Grade: Cellphone Necessity?

When the pre-teen moved in last August, I wasn't sure I was ready to parent a junior high student.  Even though the adoption was finalized last month, I'm still not sure I'm ready to parent a junior high student.  And one that is about to be 13 at that.

One of the things that surprised me was that every single classmate of hers has a cellphone (or at least that is what it seems like).  Some of them even have iPhones.  Naturally, the pre-teen wanted one desperately.  I said no, but gave it a lot of thought.

I decided she wasn't ready for one because she isn't responsible.  She loses things.  She doesn't understand phone etiquette, and doesn't really use the phone that often.  Her phone conversations last less than 5 minutes in most cases and are about nothing - "what are you doing?" "Nothing, what are you doing?"  Nearly everywhere she goes, the adult in charge has a cellphone, whether that is me, her grandparents, or her teachers.  In short, there are no compelling reasons why she needed one (aside from convenience if she needed to call me or I needed to call her - is that worth $50+ per month?).

Since I decided against a cellphone, I've been watching how her classmates use their cellphones.  I've determined that cellphones are used by junior highers primarily to bully one another.

Since the preteen uses my phone, it is the number that her friends have.  I've received several texts with insults, name-calling and other inappropriate content.  I've written back the offending child, and when I've known the parents, sent them a note regarding how their child is using the phone.  I don't think my pre-teen would do any better; in fact, I suspect she would be sending nasty texts along with these other girls - yet another reason she doesn't need a phone!

My strong responses seem to have cut the number of bad texts dramatically.  I doubt if the pre-teen had her own phone that these messages would have stopped; instead, I suspect there would have been more bullying that went on.

Junior high students do not have compelling reasons to be talking to each other.  Homework assignments are about their biggest issue.   Frankly, there has only been 1 phone call this entire school year about homework at my house.  And that was done because I forced the pre-teen to call a friend and ask about the assignment - not because of her own initiative.  Junior Highers spend 8 hours per day together at school, plus time at any sports, church or other activities after school.

I'm convinced that cellphones for junior high students are NOT a good idea.  There is no parental supervision and no one is held accountable for the things said.  In contrast, with the old landline system, who could say something vile to someone you didn't like when your mother, father, brother and dog were less than 5 feet away and the person on the other end was sitting in a room with their family.  Moms tended to kabosh those conversations immediately.

But with every kid having their own personal cellphone, parents don't know what is going on.

And worse, some don't care.

For the foreseeable future, the pre-teen will not be getting a phone.  I know there are times when it would be convenient, but then I remember those nasty texts and realize until she has a car and a license, she doesn't really need the cellphone.

Is Summer Here Yet?!?

During the month of May, my schedule slowly gets stripped away.  First, our church's mid-week children's program went on hiatus for the summer.  As much as I love (and the girls love) Wednesday nights at church, it is great to be done for a while.

I also finished up choir (I'm missing the concert tomorrow because of dance recital).  School sponsored sports are over, and dance will be done tomorrow night. In early June, my seminary classes will wrap up and I will have a few weeks before the classes start again for the summer session.

So, now I have long evenings to look forward to - in which I can ride bikes, walk and do other exercises (the pool opens soon).   Maybe I can get a few books read, a few scrapbook pages done, reorganize a few disasters in the house, and do nothing for a few days.

I figure it will be about Wednesday when we all feel bored...

Watching TV?

I read an article about Chelsea Clinton this week.  In it, she said that her parents did not let her watch more than 30 minutes of TV each day.  By the time she was in high school, she negotiated 1 hour - and could watch ER.

It got me thinking about how much TV we watch.  It actually isn't as much as I thought.  Most nights, the TV is never on, even after the girls go to bed.  I have too much reading for school to do, and find myself distracted.  On the weekends we watch more TV, but often it is NICK or Disney channel programs.

The preteen would like to watch some reality tv programs.  Her current must-watch is Dance Moms because she thinks grown women bickering, yelling and insulting each other is funny.  I told her that given that she has a problem controlling her temper and saying things to people in the heat of the moment, I didn't think watching it was a wise idea.  There are times she has an unhealthy fascination with drama and will create it.  I don't think reality TV will help her get over this, and likely will give her false ideas of how real people actually relate to each other.  So, it is on the do-not-watch-list.

So, as we move to summer, where we have more free time, I know I will need to keep track of how much time we are spending in front of the TV.

Changing Names and Adoptive Parent Prerogatives

One debate I had at my house was whether names would be changed with the adoption.   The 12 year old thought she wanted to keep her last name.

To me, this made no sense.  She had her birth mother's maiden name, but birth mother no longer had that name as she had married.  Neither grandparent had the name, as they had remarried too. My position was that families had the same names, and ever practical, pointed out that it would save explanations to others as to why we all had different names.  In a few years when she was in college,  no one would know she had been adopted unless she wanted to tell them.  She was still reluctant. 

I finally asked if she had spoken about it to her friends.  Giving a sheepish look, she said yes.  And, I asked, did they make fun of it?  She nodded.  The core issue was that she thought the name sounded funny and was worried about it.

After a few discussions, she decided to change her name.  Then came the discussion with the 5 year old.  She had a definite plan.  She did not care about the last name, but had her own ideas on her middle name.  I still don't know where she came up with Rose (Disney princesses? Fairies?) but it was pretty.

I did not change either first name, in part because the names were nice names.  Nothing too flashy or weird. 

However, if we lived in England, it would be another story.  There, adoptive families are not allowed to change the child's first name because the birth parents and family have rights.  This leaves adoptive families in a tough spot - do you adopt a child with a name that glorifies a drink or does not fit with your other children?  The story is here.

According to the article, this scares off prospective parents.  I admit it put me off that the 12 year old may want to stick with her last name.  I don't know what I'd do if her first name were Daiquiri or Whiskey.  It seems almost cruel to stick a child with those names, especially when the parents have demonstrated their unfitness in so many other ways.

I understand that children form identities at an early age - and your name is certainly a big part of that.  Most of us imagined a day we would change our name or fantasized about changing it ourselves.  But actually doing it is another matter.

It seems to me that the adoptive parents should have some role in the decision.  Certainly the foster care workers can provide input to the decision if the adoptive parents are seeking change for the wrong reasons.  But to require that the name stay the same seems to stymie the process and saddle the child with a name they may prefer to have changed before their schoolmates make fun of them.

Adoption Day!

On Monday, the adoption was finalized, and I am now the proud mother of two girls!

As they have been with me since late August, in many ways it does not feel any different.  But there are still a few changes.  I don't have to worry about whether something or someone is going to come in and say the girls have to leave.  I don't have to worry about wrangling with the doctor or dentist over who decides about their care.  And I don't have to worry about who makes the decisions on life issues, because it's me!

I hope to get back to writing more regularly soon.  Of course, that would require life to slow down a bit, and I don't know if that is actually going to happen!

Respite, Adoptions and Other harrowing events

I hadn't realized it had been over two weeks since I last blogged.  I do try to put something up every few days, but life got to me in January.

Between the pre-teen's sports schedule, a new quarter at seminary and dance lessons for the preschooler, the schedule has exploded in many not so good ways.  I believe, no I know, that next year we will not be doing both basketball and AAU volleyball at the same time - it is just too much.  While the experiences have been good, the added stress and running around has not been good.

Meanwhile, I have been doing respite this past week for someone.  It added another girl to the mix, and although she has some issues, things have been pretty smooth.  The girls all know each other, so that definitely helped.

Our adoption filing is quickly approaching and that always brings feelings to the forefront.  I am hoping that we can get this done as quickly and as painlessly as possible.  We have had some bumps in the road, but nothing too major and I have appreciated the help of the workers.  So far, they have given great advice and been very supportive.

Una Vocis CD

Last night at my Una Vocis rehearsal, we celebrated the release of our CD. While I don't sing on all of the tracks, I do sing on some of them, and it is exciting to think that a group I sing with has a CD (soon to be on iTunes).

Hopefully, this is the first of many fun opportunities with this group.  I love singing with them and they are all wonderful people.  At times I wonder if all the time is worth it, but I know that it helps keep me sane.

The Trials of Parenthood: Feeding People

Generally, I like to cook.  I like to bake and I like to find new recipes.  However, since acquiring two kids, I find that this can be a very difficult process.

First, I have the food issues to deal with: the dislikes, the allergies and the lack of adventure to try new things. 

Next, I have to lack of time to prepare.  Many nights we have about an hour to cook and eat something before heading off to the next event.  I asked for a crockpot for Christmas and am finding it is a great thing - if I plan ahead.

Finally, I have the problem that the kids like the same things over and over again (one eats chicken nuggets as her only choice at any restaurant we go to), while I like a variety of things.  I'm fine with just fruit one meal and just veggies at another.  Tacos then spaghetti.  Cereal and grilled cheese.  But the girls like a steady diet of spaghetti, peanut butter and chicken nuggets.

At least I have found a great crockpot lasagna recipe that everyone likes and is willing to eat every couple weeks.  As long as I don't use anything too spicy!

Photos from Fall 2011

September, 2011.  This is the photo from my half marathon.  My cousin, Sandra is on my right.  Although I finished at 3:59, she finished around 2 to 2.5 hours.

We never did decide what the numbers were about, as I registered before she did, but she was a runner, and I designated as a walker.

September, 2011.  While in Vancouver, we saw this sign.  The funny part was that no one was obeying it as bikes zipped past on their way onto the island.

Summer, 2011.  Indy & Haty called a brief truce to sit on the couch together.  It is surprising that they both were relaxed enough to do this, as usually, Haty is trying to play with Indy by assaulting him.  Indy then screams like a baby and runs to hide.  Indy likes to hide on top of the bunk beds, because Haty is too scared to jump up there.

Labor Day, 2011.  We spent the weekend at the River with Sandra, Maddy, Grayson, Georgi, Greg, Michelle, Lance, Clay,  Aunt Robert & Billy. It was fun, but the weather was a bit cool.  Here we are using blankets on the boat because it was so cold!

September, 2011.  While in Bellingham, we walked on the pier.  Ironically, the half marathon track followed the pier, and the beginning of mile 11 was at the very end, as you exited it (not shown- it was uphill from here!).

October, 2011.  We rode the Boone & Scenic Valley Railroad.  It was a great weekend with beautiful leaves, warm weather and great views. 

An Iowan's Guide to the Iowa Caucuses

Tuesday will be the Iowa Caucuses.  The media horde has already descended upon our fair state, and it is difficult to avoid running into a candidate for the presidency.  The process draws the world's attention to my state, and I thought a few pointers may be in order.

What is a caucus?  The process differs between the parties.  This year, as President Obama will run as an incumbant, there will be very small Democratic party caucuses.  The real show will be on the Republican side.  Caucuses take place in schools, churches, garages, among other places.  Typically, the process lasts about an hour or two.  At the end, the caucus (usually by majority vote), determines who their precinct will support for President.  In the Republican process, this can be pro rated between the various candidates.  Nominees are also selected to attend the state convention and sometimes planks in the party's platform are debated.

Iowans like to "fool" pollsters:  Some think it is impolite to be asked which candidate they are supporting. Voting is, after all, a private affair.  So they will tell pollsters every candidate but the one they are actually supporting when asked.  Believe me, after the 22nd call in a week asking about issues and candidates, even the most honest person would grow weary and mischievous.  It also serves to help perpetuate the "Iowa Surprise" myth. 

Iowans Yearn for the Political Ads to Stop:  Many people exclaim that they can't wait for the seed corn and pesticide commercials to start again.  The constant barrage of negative ads and issue related commercials take their toll.  In non-election years, these ads are routinely distained and ridiculed.  In election years, we view them with nostalgia and warm feelings.  Who doesn't want to see little cutworms smashed to smithereens in 3D?

It's a bit Overwhelming:  Having to pick the perfect candidate out can be daunting.  Each one has strengths and weaknesses that must be weighed. While Iowa does not get the last word, it gets the first one, and that can lead to candidates dropping out.  That adds a lot of pressure to the process.  Iowans know that and try to honestly work through the process.

So, while I haven't decided what to do on Tuesday, I'm sure that by Tuesday evening the media will have declared a winner and moved on.

Katy Perry & Russell Brand: Another case for a Pre-Nup

This week comedian Russell Brand filed for divorce from pop star Katy Perry.  The two have been married for approximately 14 months. 

Although both were celebrities before the marriage, and had accumulated money, real estate and other items, there was no pre-nuptial agreement between them.  Add to this the fact that Brand is an admitted recovering drug and sex addict and Perry is a (Christian?) party girl and one wonders what these people were thinking by getting married without an agreement on how things would go when/if they split.

In a similar situation this week, Mel Gibson paid his ex-wife over around $425 million, as there was no pre-nup.  Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Michael Jordan and his ex-wife Juanita, Madonna and Guy Ritchie.  The list goes on and on of people who gamble big at love, marriage and finances and lose big.  At least these (rich) people have the guidance of attorneys, accountants, managers and executives to advise them to get a pre-nup, whereas the average person does not.

But, the reality is that most couples need to consider how the break-up would go.  People who need pre-nups are those who have assets (no matter how small), those who owe money (cars, student loans, mortgages etc), those who have children or plan to have children, and those who plan to acquire things (cars, houses, credit cards) during the marriage.  In short, everyone.

Planning for a break-up does not doom the relationship to failure.  If it is going to fail, it will fail on its own over money, sex, family, children, lack of attention, or any of a thousand other reasons.  All failing to plan does is prevent both parties from adequately preparing for the future.  Instead of waiting for a court to determine who gets what or how much one party will pay another, the couple knows how things will be divided (or have an approximation).

Pre-nups also force couples to consider the devastating consequences of divorce before the wedding.  It may be enough to encourage those hard conversations on children, work, religion, politics, family and money before the wedding, not after it.  Pre-nups require honesty in each person's financial situation as it exists prior to marriage.

Alas, it is too late for Perry & Brand, the Gibsons and McCartney.  They will have to fight it out in court over each and every dime.

Fortunately, this year also saw Kim Kardashian insist on a pre-nup, which came in very handy when her marriage collapsed after just 72 days.  At least she had some good financial advice.

Repacking the Christmas Tree

I spent a chunk of today taking down the Christmas tree, cleaning up the dead needles and repacking all the Christmas decor.  Fortunately, this year, I had help.  But, as usual, what used to fit into one box now does not, and some of the items that had boxes, now seem to be missing packaging.  The missing boxes will probably show up in time for Easter.

I am always amazed at how much Christmas stuff accumulates through the season.  Just when I think I have it all put away, another thing appears to be put away. This year, I have advent presents to add to the mix (we still have an ongoing argument about who gets what). 

Merry Christmas!

Today at the Christmas service, the pastor, after announcing the birth of a baby,  commented on how the congregation should consider the people who have become first time parents this year.  My oldest (foster) daughter remarked to me that he was talking about me!

I had not considered this, but it is true - I am a first time parent.  A parent of a 12 year old and a soon-to-be 5 year old.  Somehow skipping over the midnight changings, diapers and learning to walk and talk didn't make things that much easier.  I still have to think about what I want these children to learn and how I want to reflect a living faith.

It strikes me on Christmas that in the midst of gift-giving and the excitement of family, get-togethers, and good food, that while memorable, it is in the day to day living that true impact is made.  I can preach about loving Jesus, but if my daily life doesn't show a dependence on Him, it may all be for naught.  I can't honor Jesus' birthday in an effective manner if I don't walk the walk the rest of the year.

At times this all feels overwhelming, trying to raise wise, independent, healthy and mature kids who love Jesus.  But it can be done if I focus on the important, eternal things and not the things that will not matter.

Gift Giving Dilemmas

Christmas can be a tough holiday to navigate: we have expectations of ourselves, others and how the holiday should go. 

One part of the equation is gift giving.  While I love giving people things, I hate having to figure out how much and what to give people.  It seems like every year, I'm caught off guard by some acquaintance buying me a token gift.  I certainly appreciate the gesture and the time and effort put into buying me something.  But, I also find that I am then rushing around to reciprocate or feeling crummy for not having a gift for them with me. 

These gift giving dilemmas hit a new level this year with the pre-teen daughter.  She announced that she needed to buy gifts for 6 girls, then 10, then maybe 12.  And she had no idea how much to pay for each gift.  She wanted to buy each a candy bar, but wasn't sure what they were buying her. 

After several discussions about how I wasn't financing gifts for a dozen pre-teens (none of whom have an income), I informed her that if she thought that having a cost limit discussion was too embarrassing, she should wait until I forced her to return any gift she received that was more valuable than a candy bar.  She can't give a cheap gift and keep an expensive one.  This pushed her to discuss the matter with her friends, and then they all decided to draw names and set a monetary limit.  Crisis averted.

But that still leaves me with the surprise friend's gifts.  To solve this problem, I now buy small trinket gifts (decorative glassware items on deep discount) to give as gifts.  Some are even pre-wrapped with blank tags so I can give them on a moment's notice. 

Guess I need to follow my own advice and have these gift discussions before the holiday season.

Una Vocis

Last Saturday, Una Vocis sang our Christmas concert.  I am always amazed at how appreciative people are at our performances. 

For me, it is sometimes hard to hear how well we all sound together.  Part of this is that I am focusing on my notes or music or dynamics or pronunciation.  And, at times, I cannot hear each individual part.

Our most exciting news is that we now have a CD out.  Information is available on the Una Vocis website.

Unforgivable?

One of my clients showed up today wearing a black hat with one word stitched in small letters with gold threat into it.  Reading "Unforgivable," I wondered what would possess someone to wear a hat emblazoned with that word.

It struck me that many of us do walk around with "unforgivable" on our foreheads.  We think that whatever we have done to God, to our family, to our friends is "unforgivable."

But that is not what the Bible teaches.  Rather, if we repent or turn away from our sin, we can be forgiven by God.  Forgiveness from those we have harmed may be more difficult, but it is possible too.